John Carter was so bad I couldn't even be bothered to shush the couple sitting in the row in front of me who had a conversation the entire movie. I'm a militant shusher, y'all. But the thought of proclaiming to the world with the shush that I really cared to hear the godforsaken dialogue coming out of these character's mouths was just too embarrassing to even consider. When the guy a few seats over from me turned on his iPhone at the three-quarter mark I almost leaned over and watched him play Angry Birds instead of bothering with the screen anymore.This all makes me sad. I had high hopes for JC, and with all its negative box office attentions this week I'd hoped I'd be one of the people defending it, saying it's a misunderstood pop masterpiece. I love an epic outer space yarn filled with four armed aliens and the buxom men and lady-folk that fight them, love them, et cetera. When I heard they were finally making the film I ran out and read several of the books in anticipation - it always seemed like I should have read the books anyway, so this made a good excuse - and while I thought the first book was the weakest of the ones I read (I enjoyed the religion-bashing second book a bunch more) I figured all that could be straightened out on-screen once the political pronouncements and dopiness were streamlined and Burroughs' tendency to write action like, "And then Carter fought them, and he beat them good, next scene" could be filled in with, you know, actual scenes of cool fighting.
But good god is this thing plodding. And dopey, and god it's unattractive to look at. Garish and muddled and edited incomprehensibly. There's not a single action scene here that involved me. Taylor Kitsch looks good and looks better in less, but I'll be damned if I could tell you if he can act after this (I know, Friday Night Lights fans, I know). His accent is as wobbly as his triceps are firm - John is supposed to be Southern, not a Canadian Clint Eastwood. That's not the sort of thing I usually call attention to but it gets so thick at moments, his attempts to Southern him up - usually whenever his character being Southern is brought up - and then just vanishes for the rest of the time, that I can't not. The script does him no favors - the dialogue's thuddingly dull, even for someone who recently geeked out about Therns and the River Iss.
I will say I kind of liked Lynn Collins as Dejah Thoris - she gave some fire to the character - and Woola was cute. Ending it on some positive notes! Two itty bitty positive notes that are completely drowned out by an opera of failure otherwise.
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But good god is this thing plodding. And dopey, and god it's unattractive to look at. Garish and muddled and edited incomprehensibly. There's not a single action scene here that involved me. Taylor Kitsch looks good and looks better in less, but I'll be damned if I could tell you if he can act after this (I know, Friday Night Lights fans, I know). His accent is as wobbly as his triceps are firm - John is supposed to be Southern, not a Canadian Clint Eastwood. That's not the sort of thing I usually call attention to but it gets so thick at moments, his attempts to Southern him up - usually whenever his character being Southern is brought up - and then just vanishes for the rest of the time, that I can't not. The script does him no favors - the dialogue's thuddingly dull, even for someone who recently geeked out about Therns and the River Iss.I will say I kind of liked Lynn Collins as Dejah Thoris - she gave some fire to the character - and Woola was cute. Ending it on some positive notes! Two itty bitty positive notes that are completely drowned out by an opera of failure otherwise.
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