I'm Going Home & I'm Gonna Bite My Dirty Pillows

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This news story was made to break my brain. That girl who won't leave me alone, Chloe Moretz, is apparently one of two girls in top contention for the remake of Carrie. The remake of Carrie was already making me want to drive a stake through my own heart - now they're just fucking taunting me.

Making it worse, I actually really like the other girl possibly up for the part - her name's Haley Bennett and we've extolled her awesomeness in The Hole and Kaboom. It's worse because I just want to straight up not have this happen at all and if Moretz stars in it then I just straightforwardly hate on it - if an actress I've been rooting for like Bennett gets the part it will be much more complicated.

And it's already complicated, because director Kimberly Pierce should be doing better things with her time. Why can't she just make Boys Don't Cry 2: Yes Boys Do In Fact Cry Sometimes, instead of attempting the impossible? Brian DePalma's Carrie is one of the few perfect things in the world - it stands alongside striped socks and Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in the pantheon of greatness.

And then there's more: Pierce has apparently approached Jodie Foster and/or Julianne Moore to play Margaret White. WTF! I need to go smoke a pack of cigarettes, and weed, and angel dust.

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I'm Going Home & I'm Gonna Bite My Dirty Pillows

.

This news story was made to break my brain. That girl who won't leave me alone, Chloe Moretz, is apparently one of two girls in top contention for the remake of Carrie. The remake of Carrie was already making me want to drive a stake through my own heart - now they're just fucking taunting me.

Making it worse, I actually really like the other girl possibly up for the part - her name's Haley Bennett and we've extolled her awesomeness in The Hole and Kaboom. It's worse because I just want to straight up not have this happen at all and if Moretz stars in it then I just straightforwardly hate on it - if an actress I've been rooting for like Bennett gets the part it will be much more complicated.

And it's already complicated, because director Kimberly Pierce should be doing better things with her time. Why can't she just make Boys Don't Cry 2: Yes Boys Do In Fact Cry Sometimes, instead of attempting the impossible? Brian DePalma's Carrie is one of the few perfect things in the world - it stands alongside striped socks and Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in the pantheon of greatness.

And then there's more: Pierce has apparently approached Jodie Foster and/or Julianne Moore to play Margaret White. WTF! I need to go smoke a pack of cigarettes, and weed, and angel dust.

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I Am Link

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--- Always Repays His Debts - A Game of Thrones starts next weekend! A Game of Thrones starts next weekend! I've been distracted by my Hunger Games mania, but this is just as cool. I still won't be seeing the show til the following Monday per my usual day-long delay, so don't expect me to write anything on time. Don't go holding your breath is what I'm telling you! Because you would naturally, otherwise. Anyway my pal Sean has rounded up a whole bunch of cool news bits about the show over here, go forth and gather. You should also be reading his ASOIAF-devoted blog too, but only if you've read all the books since there be spoilers there.

--- Golden Games - I know I always downplay box office, especially when it's something I like that's doing lousy - which is the way it normally happens - but the news that The Hunger Games is expected to be financially massive this weekend is making me very happy. Mostly because they can then throw tons and tons of money at the sequels. And afford Chris Hemsworth for Finnick. Ahh my motives become clear! Come on, Chris Hemsworth in a fishnet leotard? Who doesn't want to see that?

--- Lizards In Lust - I couldn't resist this take on fish-rapist classic Humanoids From the Deep over at AICN - I just wrote up a brief couple of thoughts on that sleazy beast back in August. It is such utter, yet entertaining, trash.

--- Summer Thirteen - DH rounded up a couple of release dates for movies of the future we will want to see - Guillermo Del Toros Pacific Rim, with Charlies Hunnam and Day and Idris Elba (a fuckable from start to finish cast if ever there was one), will be out on July 12th, 2013. That's actually a delay of a couple of months.But I know what I'm doing for my birthday weekend in fifteen months now! And also, the sequel to the leather-diaper fetish-film 300 is coming out on August 2nd, 2013. Next Summer's already full up.

--- Hedwig's Nightmare - This post is just one of the myriad reasons why I adore Glenn - he's been watching the old 80s Krueger spin-off series Freddy's Nightmares, and discovered an episode that starred who else but... John Cameron Mitchell? 

--- Down River - Netflix might be scooping up ABC's The River, which I only made it three episodes into before deciding it was either I threw my TV set out the window or I stopped watching its inanity. I guess I wasn't alone since its rating crumbled week to week, hence it maybe now moving to Netflix, just like its counterpart in inexplicable crapitude Terra Nova. Again i say, why Thomas Krestchmann? Why???

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I Am Link

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--- Always Repays His Debts - A Game of Thrones starts next weekend! A Game of Thrones starts next weekend! I've been distracted by my Hunger Games mania, but this is just as cool. I still won't be seeing the show til the following Monday per my usual day-long delay, so don't expect me to write anything on time. Don't go holding your breath is what I'm telling you! Because you would naturally, otherwise. Anyway my pal Sean has rounded up a whole bunch of cool news bits about the show over here, go forth and gather. You should also be reading his ASOIAF-devoted blog too, but only if you've read all the books since there be spoilers there.

--- Golden Games - I know I always downplay box office, especially when it's something I like that's doing lousy - which is the way it normally happens - but the news that The Hunger Games is expected to be financially massive this weekend is making me very happy. Mostly because they can then throw tons and tons of money at the sequels. And afford Chris Hemsworth for Finnick. Ahh my motives become clear! Come on, Chris Hemsworth in a fishnet leotard? Who doesn't want to see that?

--- Lizards In Lust - I couldn't resist this take on fish-rapist classic Humanoids From the Deep over at AICN - I just wrote up a brief couple of thoughts on that sleazy beast back in August. It is such utter, yet entertaining, trash.

--- Summer Thirteen - DH rounded up a couple of release dates for movies of the future we will want to see - Guillermo Del Toros Pacific Rim, with Charlies Hunnam and Day and Idris Elba (a fuckable from start to finish cast if ever there was one), will be out on July 12th, 2013. That's actually a delay of a couple of months.But I know what I'm doing for my birthday weekend in fifteen months now! And also, the sequel to the leather-diaper fetish-film 300 is coming out on August 2nd, 2013. Next Summer's already full up.

--- Hedwig's Nightmare - This post is just one of the myriad reasons why I adore Glenn - he's been watching the old 80s Krueger spin-off series Freddy's Nightmares, and discovered an episode that starred who else but... John Cameron Mitchell? 

--- Down River - Netflix might be scooping up ABC's The River, which I only made it three episodes into before deciding it was either I threw my TV set out the window or I stopped watching its inanity. I guess I wasn't alone since its rating crumbled week to week, hence it maybe now moving to Netflix, just like its counterpart in inexplicable crapitude Terra Nova. Again i say, why Thomas Krestchmann? Why???

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Dancy With The Devil

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Deadline's reporting that Hugh Dancy my beloved Hugh Dancy is going to star as Will Graham, aka the guy who will hunt Hannibal Lecter down, in Bryan Fuller's show about just that on NBC, called Hannibal. Can you say AWESOME? I mean that, can you say "awesome" for me, I have swooned and am totally unconscious.

For serious though, I've read the script for this show's pilot and it's so so so good you guys, so scary and filled with deliciousness, and Hugh is a terrific choice for the immensely complicated character that is Will. This is going to rule so very hard I can't even take it.

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Dancy With The Devil

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Deadline's reporting that Hugh Dancy my beloved Hugh Dancy is going to star as Will Graham, aka the guy who will hunt Hannibal Lecter down, in Bryan Fuller's show about just that on NBC, called Hannibal. Can you say AWESOME? I mean that, can you say "awesome" for me, I have swooned and am totally unconscious.

For serious though, I've read the script for this show's pilot and it's so so so good you guys, so scary and filled with deliciousness, and Hugh is a terrific choice for the immensely complicated character that is Will. This is going to rule so very hard I can't even take it.

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Hostel: Part III (2011)

I think we ought to take this death scene of Thomas Kretschmann's as symbolic of his recent career - so that would mean his killer Kip Pardue is playing the role of his agent. Sigh. Why can't you be all I want you to be, Thomas?

This is definitely an instance of "Make love, not war!" though - nothing against this scene, which was one of the few times I perked up during this generally tepid straight-to-DVD sequel (Murder by cockroaches? Really?), but I'd much rather have seen Thomas and Kip finding other ways to penetrate each other.

That shot of the car rocking back and forth 

could have been so much more. So much.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Hostel: Part III (2011)

I think we ought to take this death scene of Thomas Kretschmann's as symbolic of his recent career - so that would mean his killer Kip Pardue is playing the role of his agent. Sigh. Why can't you be all I want you to be, Thomas?

This is definitely an instance of "Make love, not war!" though - nothing against this scene, which was one of the few times I perked up during this generally tepid straight-to-DVD sequel (Murder by cockroaches? Really?), but I'd much rather have seen Thomas and Kip finding other ways to penetrate each other.

That shot of the car rocking back and forth 

could have been so much more. So much.

--------------------------------------

Previous Ways Not To Die: Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

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