TGT11: The Great Gratuities of 2011 #20-11

.

I'm keeping the intros brief because this part's notsomuch about words. Although there are words. But also pictures, do not fear. We just posted twelve runners-up a bit ago - now here's number twenty through number eleven of my favorite male gratuitousness of 2011.

Joel Edgerton, Warrior - See this is what I was talking about in my list of runners-up when I said that the rules governing this list only follow some kind of insane logic in my head - for a movie promising an endless parade of beefcake, Warrior was strangely shy, and I ought to punish it for that. Especially when say for instance Thomas Jane and Rob Lowe, who only made runner-up, both got totally starkers in their movie. But Joel Edgerton is just so sexy, y'all. I cannot deny him. Just think if the movie had been more of a giver with that ass-kicking physique he built up. Oh what could have been.

Ryan Reynolds for Green Lantern - And this is another one. The fact that they CG'd a suit onto a body like Ryan Reynolds has, thereby muddying up ur understanding of how much everything below his neck actually was his for entire stretches of the film, is unforgivable.

But then... he does wear tighty-whities for a second! And he does writhe around on that space-table in litte underpants that one time! And... it's Ryan Reynolds, man. I can't help myself. Cut from fucking marble, this one. (more here)

Julián Villagrán for Extraterrestrial - We just posted some caps from this earlier this week, which do the scene some justice but not enough, because it just goes on and on for a wonderfully long time, even filling the entire screen with his underpants-clad crotch for a moment. It's a keeper.

Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II - Gone are the days when I will feel weird for lusting after young Harry Potter. They left right around the time he flashed his treasure-thicket in those promotional Equus pics. That's he's become such a staunch gay rights advocate only makes it feel even better.

Ashton Kutcher for No Strings Attached and Justin Timberlake for Friends With Benefits - Consider these two a tie since they made the exact same movies and I hate them both about the exact same amount and yet I cannot deny that they did their jobs by showing us their sexy hateful asses, thereby filling me with a confused lustful rage. I couldn't sit through these movies, but I could certainly fast-forward and then pause through them. See more Ashton here, and more Justin here. Justin gets bonus points for that jean-humping scene in Bad Teacher.

Sebastian Schipper and Devid Striesow for Three - This one's more for Sebastien since I just find him completely adorable, but Striesow can come along for the ride. So to speak.

Their hook-up scenes in Tom Tykwer's film are very very hot, especially that first one in the locker-room where Schipper's completely taken by surprise... very happy surprise... by Striesow's sudden advances.

Chris Zylka for Shark Night - While his co-stars Chris Carmack and Dustin Milligan only got also-ran status for this movie (although the latter gets bonus points for making sure his sweatshirt was inexplicably pushed open around his nips during his kidnapping) Zylka shoved his way up the list by the power of one wonderfully winking butt-cheek. Also, he got eaten by a shark while riding a jet-ski and that's just so much love.

Daniel Craig for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Cowboys and Aliens and Dream House (more here) - As much as I love DC's little black underpants in Dragon Tattoo, we seem to be judging him based on a curve at this point. It's the only explanation I can find for him only making it this high. We've been spoiled, I guess.

Tom Hardy for Warrior and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - You know what I said about Joel Edgerton barely making the list because Warrior was so criminally stingy with exploiting its prepped-for-exploitation menfolk? Same goes for Hardy's case therein, but then Tom went for extra credit by wearing a dress shirt and nothing else in Tinker and whoosh he shot ahead. As you'll see further on in the list, that's a look we seem to like a lot.
.

And on top of that he made that short film where he went above and beyond the call of duty, if by "above and beyond the call of duty" I mean going full-frontal and wiggling his dick around and wrestling with another guy all at once. Which I guess in this instance I absolutely do mean it that way. Bless you, Tom Hardy, for making me mean something that way.

.

poll by twiigs.com

.

Coming up: THE TOP TEN!

.

TGT11: The Great Gratuities of 2011 #20-11

.

I'm keeping the intros brief because this part's notsomuch about words. Although there are words. But also pictures, do not fear. We just posted twelve runners-up a bit ago - now here's number twenty through number eleven of my favorite male gratuitousness of 2011.

Joel Edgerton, Warrior - See this is what I was talking about in my list of runners-up when I said that the rules governing this list only follow some kind of insane logic in my head - for a movie promising an endless parade of beefcake, Warrior was strangely shy, and I ought to punish it for that. Especially when say for instance Thomas Jane and Rob Lowe, who only made runner-up, both got totally starkers in their movie. But Joel Edgerton is just so sexy, y'all. I cannot deny him. Just think if the movie had been more of a giver with that ass-kicking physique he built up. Oh what could have been.

Ryan Reynolds for Green Lantern - And this is another one. The fact that they CG'd a suit onto a body like Ryan Reynolds has, thereby muddying up ur understanding of how much everything below his neck actually was his for entire stretches of the film, is unforgivable.

But then... he does wear tighty-whities for a second! And he does writhe around on that space-table in litte underpants that one time! And... it's Ryan Reynolds, man. I can't help myself. Cut from fucking marble, this one. (more here)

Julián Villagrán for Extraterrestrial - We just posted some caps from this earlier this week, which do the scene some justice but not enough, because it just goes on and on for a wonderfully long time, even filling the entire screen with his underpants-clad crotch for a moment. It's a keeper.

Daniel Radcliffe for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II - Gone are the days when I will feel weird for lusting after young Harry Potter. They left right around the time he flashed his treasure-thicket in those promotional Equus pics. That's he's become such a staunch gay rights advocate only makes it feel even better.

Ashton Kutcher for No Strings Attached and Justin Timberlake for Friends With Benefits - Consider these two a tie since they made the exact same movies and I hate them both about the exact same amount and yet I cannot deny that they did their jobs by showing us their sexy hateful asses, thereby filling me with a confused lustful rage. I couldn't sit through these movies, but I could certainly fast-forward and then pause through them. See more Ashton here, and more Justin here. Justin gets bonus points for that jean-humping scene in Bad Teacher.

Sebastian Schipper and Devid Striesow for Three - This one's more for Sebastien since I just find him completely adorable, but Striesow can come along for the ride. So to speak.

Their hook-up scenes in Tom Tykwer's film are very very hot, especially that first one in the locker-room where Schipper's completely taken by surprise... very happy surprise... by Striesow's sudden advances.

Chris Zylka for Shark Night - While his co-stars Chris Carmack and Dustin Milligan only got also-ran status for this movie (although the latter gets bonus points for making sure his sweatshirt was inexplicably pushed open around his nips during his kidnapping) Zylka shoved his way up the list by the power of one wonderfully winking butt-cheek. Also, he got eaten by a shark while riding a jet-ski and that's just so much love.

Daniel Craig for The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Cowboys and Aliens and Dream House (more here) - As much as I love DC's little black underpants in Dragon Tattoo, we seem to be judging him based on a curve at this point. It's the only explanation I can find for him only making it this high. We've been spoiled, I guess.

Tom Hardy for Warrior and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy - You know what I said about Joel Edgerton barely making the list because Warrior was so criminally stingy with exploiting its prepped-for-exploitation menfolk? Same goes for Hardy's case therein, but then Tom went for extra credit by wearing a dress shirt and nothing else in Tinker and whoosh he shot ahead. As you'll see further on in the list, that's a look we seem to like a lot.
.

And on top of that he made that short film where he went above and beyond the call of duty, if by "above and beyond the call of duty" I mean going full-frontal and wiggling his dick around and wrestling with another guy all at once. Which I guess in this instance I absolutely do mean it that way. Bless you, Tom Hardy, for making me mean something that way.

.

poll by twiigs.com

.

Coming up: THE TOP TEN!

.

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

Shark Night (2011)

I guess we now know who would win in the battle between a shark and a jet-ski. Wait, what's that? We already knew the answer to that age-old question thanks to the 2002 mega-classic Shark Attack 3: Megalodon?

Oh goodness. I guess we did. Well, I guess we now know what would happen if it was a hot person on the jet-ski, like Chris Zylka. That's something new.

What I love about this scene - well, you know, besides the fact that it features Chris Zylka getting eaten by a giant shark while riding a jet-ski - is how poorly they managed the day-for-night. The scene was obviously shot in the daylight, but then they just sort of murked it up with these dark splotches that never sit still. I lightened the frames up above so we could see what the hell was going on except in that gif, where you can see its original murkiness. Here's a picture from how it was originally shot:

It's just one more sign of quality from this movie, along with the top-notch acting and plot. It really is impressively amazing watching the knots it has to tie itself into to keep getting these kids to go into the water, even though the water is filled with hundreds of bloodthirsty sharks! It's so easy to keep getting them into the water! Bunch of brainiacs, this lot. 

I wish I'd bothered to see the thing when it was in theaters because I'm sure the 3D added some pizzazz, but I think all the same I probably enjoyed it about as much as I would have either way. It's no Piranha 3D, but it's got its moments.

Yeah, those are most of its moments.

--------------------------------------

Previous Ways Not To Die: Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

.